WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.