Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Denise please return my vape pen
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.