My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
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My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Grandmother clock.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.