Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive