Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs