*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
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This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I forgot how to panic. Help
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
is this a threat
…..pretty much.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.