ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
When you’re Kinky but poor
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”