@Jandalize

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

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@Matt_The_1st

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

@weirdralph

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

@Fred_Delicious

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

@badbanana

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

@BuckyIsotope

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

@ilovepie84

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

@causticbob

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

@filmbizpro

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.