If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?