Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

OMG 🤣🤣

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance