If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.