Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

idk flipping houses looks really hard

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.