@Jandalize

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

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@daemonic3

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

@midnightwhale

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

@junejuly12

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

@jellybnbonanza

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

@iliezabeth

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

@MoneypennyNaked

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

@OfficeLinebcker

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

@NeilBensch

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.