God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
moms in horror movies
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Whoa 😂
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
*pronounces fake like saké*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.