@noog

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

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@bartandsoul

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

@noog

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

@david8hughes

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

@stephenjmolloy

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

@choniepony

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

@felixoshea

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

@reallifemommy3

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

@ObKeeng

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

@DreamsSarcastic

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

@stevevsninjas

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving