God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”


Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
*Gore kicks door down*


[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]


Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”


Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.


Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.


I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings


“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet


I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?


Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving