“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
😲 WTF? 😆
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that