I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I’m crying im so happy for them
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂