2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.