You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
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Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Oh deer
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
This hospital has everything
yall want some gasoline milk
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.