I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.