It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
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ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.