When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
You Might Also Like
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Love is always patient and kind.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”