@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.