I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
You Might Also Like
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.