Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.