just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
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listen closely
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know