I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
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TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Me :
All Day At Night
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.