A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
(Musicians.)
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers