homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Not messing around
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
When you kidnap a writer.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey