[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat