CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to