Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.