Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
you stereotypes are all alike
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I did not eat the cake…
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy