Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
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They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
My dog ate my work from home.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!