How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
yeah no that’s fair
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.