Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
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Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
How software testing works
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
What?!?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.