Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
those birds must be on payroll
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
first you must answer his riddles
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Welcome to the stomach
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.