“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize