I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit