outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
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I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I love it all
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.