you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me