People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.