[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.