Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
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How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Self-cleaning conscience
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”