Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
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Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol