Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?