my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.