tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Why am I like this?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.