Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
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Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I want to meet the individual who made this
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.