Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.