If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME