@gloomfather

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

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@carlyken

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

@Smooheed

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

@YourMomsucksTho

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

@GloriaFallon123

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

@KlMBERLY_

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

@Redfiascos

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

@spittingllama_

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

@Philosopherbing

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

@carlyken

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.