@gloomfather

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

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@HatfieldAnne

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

@deloisivete

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

@Brampersandon_

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

@_Tempo11

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

@ilovepie84

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

@Kimgee8

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

@shutupmikeginn

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

@mimicz

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.