The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians


*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*


i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game


Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.


You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.


I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit


I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.


When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.


People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle


Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.