*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that