*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[the middle of showering] I need a break
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.