I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
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he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,