Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
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My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
this has to be peak English
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.